Full circle.

People put too much into ‘things’.  I know this.  And I struggle with it.  Because it is very easy to tell someone who has lost most of their ‘things’, that they are only THINGS.  It is not the same when YOU  are the one who has lost those ‘things’.  That being said, we lost a lot of our things.  It was difficult, because we had worked long, hard hours for those things that we wanted. We took great care of our things.  Then, something unexpected and extraordinary happened.  As a result, we lost things. We lost a lot more than just material things.  We lost not only our house, but our HOME.  I lost my life. I lost my stable routine, that I had put into place for our daughter.  I lost my love and my happiness..

It is easy to judge, when you are not the one facing what we faced. I had an awful time coming to terms with what had happened to my husband, my marriage and relationship, to my LIFE.

I took it day by day, and I did not always do what others wanted me to do, but instead I followed my heart. And my heart would not allow me to close the door on my husband, no matter HOW hard I tried. And believe me, I TRIED. Repeatedly. Times a thousand. Over and over and over.. My soul, my brain, and my heart struggled every.single.day.  I thought about the vows said to each other on our wedding day and it tortured me. I was suppose to love, honor and cherish, all the days of our lives.. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health… and here I had up and left him in his darkest moment.

Looking back, I HAD to leave. His choices left me no choice. I had a child to consider and I just had to do what I had to do.  In the days and months that we were apart, and I could not cut off contact with him, people told me to think of my daughter and what was best for her. And I did this with all of my being. I weighed each and every thing that happened, or did NOT happen. And in the end, when he decided to try to get it together, I felt that after all that he had given me, he deserved another chance.  Unfortunately, he was (and is) an addict (I can now happily say that he is in recovery), and that road that I chose to take was littered with transgressions. This was so difficult. Not only for me, but for my mother, who graciously gave of her time, her home, her money, love, patience and SO much more, not only to ME, but to him and to our daughter. What I wanted so much for our daughter, was for her to have BOTH of her parents. I HAD to help him when he asked for help, because he was turning to us when he had no one else. He was screaming for help.  Anyway.. I could go on and on about the mechanics of it all.  I guess what I am trying to say is simply this: The man gave me very single thing I ever wanted in life.

I had a man who was faithful and who loved me unconditionally. I had a man who was a great daddy. I had a man who was smart, successful, witty, charming, wonderful, caring, sexy, amazing,  and who challenged me to be a better person. Unfortunately, this man had demons that he could not wrangle.  He sure tried though. And he had too much against him. He tanked. He screwed the pooch, so to speak.

And as a result, we lost our ‘things’. We also lost each other.

That has been the hardest thing to face and over come.

Longer story short… he was recently awarded disability benefits.  In this time, we have taken back our finances. We paid my mom some money… ( not even close to what we owe her. Guh),  we are totally off of public assistance now. We have donated a small amount to our church. We have money set aside for a college fund for the kidlet. We have money set aside for new windows for the house. We bought some stuff we wanted ( for me, a new camera. for him some MUCH  needed clothes and a remote control helicopter. LOL. Boys will be boys.) We have adopted a cat from a local no-kill cat shelter. We have bought the kidlet some clothes and toys. We bought a 4-wheeler with a plow so that when we get snowed in, we can dig out. We bought a much needed new bed.

Last week, we got notice that there were more benefits that we were entitled to.  Because I am a student and because of the kidlet. I KNEW we would get money for our child, but I had NO idea about me. I got on the phone with the man from SS and he informed me of what those benefits were. As a result, we got another large check the other day. So. instead of investing that, we decided that we would do something different.

We bought a truck.

Let me take you back a bit.. on the whole truck thing. Back in 2002, hubby had a Pontiac Sunfire. It had a ton of miles on it and it was required of him more and more to travel for work. He always had to take his own vehicle, and the company would pay expenses. Well, the car started having issues. We had moved from an apartment to a rental house. We were both making good money and had good credit, so he decided to trade the car in for a small truck. That truck was a 2000 Nissan Frontier.  We both LOVED that truck. It fit our lifestyle so well. And it was fun to drive!

In 2004, we purchased our first home together, got married and he moved on to a bigger and better job. The pay raise was substantial.  The truck had a lot of miles on it at that point, and it was starting to have issues. In early 2005, we got a thingy in the mail from the local Nissan dealer about special deals blah blah blah.. and so we went to check them out.  I remember that day SO well. We went on to the lot and hubby told the sales man that he had been very happy with the Frontier, and he wanted to just upgrade to a newer one.  The sales man walked us over to a 2005 Frontier Crew Cab LE…  We died. Right there.  It was black and shiny and gorgeous and we lost all control. We left there very happy, but with a $30.000 truck loan.

Now, at the time, that was all good. We could pay for it, NO PROBLEM.

The problem ended up being what happened in the following months, which a lot of you already know about. It was not poor planning, over spending, reckless spending, or any of those things that tanked us. It was an emotional/mental breakdown, it was uncontrolled bipolar disorder, and it was addiction.  THOSE things are what took us down. We had been responsible people. We had paid off credit card debt in order to buy the home we wanted. We paid of more credit card debt in order to get a loan to remedy a nasty mold situation in our home, and to upgrade our kitchen and our flooring. We were responsible people with a savings account, multiple retirement accounts, and a plan for the future.

We have been judged in SO many ways.  Did we always make the best decisions? No. But overall, we were responsible and careful, and in the end that did not matter. We lost it ALL..

For ME.. Hubby being able to buy that $30k truck was the culmination of all of the hard work and over time hours that he had put in. This man worked 80 hours a week with hardly a complaint. In MY eyes, he DESERVED that truck.  So, when we lost it, it crushed me. (And I have to admit here that I had a total love affair with that truck. I LOVED IT. )

It was a final, crushing blow in a series of blows that just left me empty, and bitter. And most people cannot understand it because it is just a truck.  But for us? It was the last thing left. We had lost everything else.  And in the end, we lost it due to bad decisions and hubby’s addiction.  And it gutted me. From that day,  I always said that one way or another, we would have another one.

Today, that became a reality.  After careful consideration, and after careful planning, we went today and purchased a 2008 Nissan Frontier NISMO 4×4. It is bought and paid for. NO car payments. Done.  As I said, we have a college fund in place for the kidlet. We have started a retirement account again. We can pay our bills and buy our own food. We have money in savings… and now our spending is done.

The best part of all? In some odd way, I feel like we have back all of the stuff we lost. And in some off way, we feel normal again. We have been working really hard to restore the ‘non-things’ of our relationship.  Things like communication, respect, mutual parenting, all of those things that we had lost.

So while some things are just material, other things are not.  I realize many of you may disagree with that, and that is fine. This is just how it is for us. After having lost all of these things, to have a lot of them back is wonderful and reminds us of how things were and of how things can be once again. We STILL have the love. We still have the common desires and dreams. And we still have the common likes and activities (although on a much more limited scale) that we once thrived upon.

For the first time in 3 years, we feel like we once again have a foothold on this life.  There is SO much that he can no longer do. Hell, he cannot even do the dishes! But mentally and emotionally and spiritually, he is getting back to the man I  fell in love with, and that is bringing ME back to the woman that he fell in love with…

I still have to hope and pray each day that he does not relapse.  I still have to hope and pray that his precarious mental status does not tank. Because I know now, just what a fragile balancing act all of that actually is..

Love what you have. Your stuff, your loved ones, your friends, and all of that that you value. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, and it can ALL CHANGE IN A MOMENT.  And when it does, it will devastate you in ways you  never imagined.

Bossman and Bosslady

Years ago I worked for a couple named K and E. K was a loving momma of two young boys when we first met. These two boys were such (ARE such…) amazing souls. I got to know K and E pretty well over the years. I would confide in them about what was going on in my life.. they would give me sound advice. It was advice that I usually took to heart and followed. They were quirky and fun. They were kind and giving. Both of them have had lives that I envied. They were well traveled and educated in the ways of the world.

On September 11th, I was working.  I had my messenger open, cause Bossman was cool like that. My friend Dina messaged me to tell me of a plane hitting one of the World Trade Towers. She said that if I had access to a tv, to go and watch. So I did. Bossman was in his office. He heard the tv go on, and asked me what was up. When I told him, he dropped what he was doing and came out into the room with me. We sat there, stupefied and speechless as the events of the morning unfolded. We watched as the second plane hit the tower. I remember just being completely and utterly dumbfounded. I remember him reaching out for me.. asking me if I was okay, while I could see that he too was in total shock. He used to live in NYC, so this had much more of an emotional pull for him than for me.

Hubby was working in Orlando that day, near Disney. No matter how many times I tried to get through to him, all circuits were busy.  Bossman told me to call it a day, and go home. So I did. And I sat in front of the tv all day, watching the horror over and over again. Hubby finally got through to me.. and was as shaken as I was. When he got home, I do not think I ever hugged anyone that tight before. We spent the night curled up in bed, watching in disbelief, crying over the devastation and loss… for people we did not even know…

As time went on and our relationship grew, we started tossing around the idea of having a baby. I had already had more than one unplanned pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage and I was in NO hurry to experience that again.  I remember telling bosslady how I felt that I was too selfish to have a child. I liked being able to get up and go whenever we wanted. Hubby and I were pretty spontaneous back then.  And she said to me, “The beauty and joy in having a child is that you can STILL do all of those things that you two enjoy doing together! Once you have a child, you just INCLUDE them! You show them and teach them and include them in all the things that you loved doing as a couple! Do not look at it as a burden to take your child camping! Look at it as a blessing to be able the share what you love, WITH them!”

That single conversation had such a profound effect on how I viewed EVERYTHING. She encouraged me. She told me (along with my mom) that I would make a great mom! She actually mentioned it often and would inquire as to whether or not we had made a decision.  It was awesome when I got to tell them that I was pregnant! They were both overjoyed.

So,  yeah…bosslady put me on the path to mommyhood. She changed my whole perspective on it all. And Bossman used to talk about how he never really wanted kids.. and he turned out to be a pretty good dad.. so I knew that I would be okay. He loved and doted on his boys. And to this day, he is a VERY proud dad, as he should be!

I am so thankful because when I REALLY think about it, I am not sure that I would have taken that leap, had it not been for K and E…..  

And so that is the story! I look forward to a visit to FL in the future. I am hoping to spend some time with the both of them while we are there. I want them to see the kidlet, and to see how AWESOME she is, even if her quirks make me wanna drink  :o)  … I want them to KNOW just how much of an impact they had on me. I want to THANK them, above all other things.

And with that, good night.. until next time….

LOOK! A meme!!

Seen over at Joelle’s, I just HAD to.  

A. Age: 38 — Ugh.  39 is on the approach. I am not sure how I feel about this.

B. Bed size:  Full, for now. On the hunt for a queen size water bed!

C. Chore that you hate: Dusting. I am a lazy duster. I hated having to move everything, so I would just dust around things. But then, I started to hate THAT too. So I just do it the right way now…

D. Dogs: I am okay with dogs. I am more of a cat person though. Cats don’t bark and there is not nearly as much drool.

E. Essential start to your day:  It SHOULD be a super healthy smoothie. It is usually coffee though. Oh and a hot shower…

F. Favorite color: Blue! I love any and all shades of blue. Even some of the more obnoxious tones of blue, unless, you know, someone paints a house with it, cause then it just gives me a big old headache.  I find that I am loving orange lately too… the warmer, deeper, richer tones of orange.

G. Gold or Silver: Honestly? I do not have a preference…

H. Height:  5’ 3 1/2″  and yes, that half DOES count!!

I. Instruments you play: Drums, although it has been years.  I can read music and have a crazy desire for either an alto sax or a clarinet, here lately.  Also, someday I WILL own a big wooden marimba.

J. Job title: Right now, student and stay at home mom. Hoping that changes REAL soon!

K. Kids: I have one, and want another. I am not entirely sure what THAT is all about. But it is what it is…  If it happens, it happens. If it does not, then it does not.

L. Live: I live in a small West Virginian town. I do believe that there are less than 2,000 people here in Terra Alta. I like it this way. It may take me an hour to get anywhere, but at least I am DRIVING the whole time and not sitting at red lights, waiting.  Florida traffic took a lot out of me. LOL.

M. Mother’s name: Janet Louise.

N. Nicknames:  Jen, Jenhen, Jenners, mommy.  :)

O. Overnight hospital stays: Hm. A two-nighter when I had the pea….

P. Pet peeves: Oh my. I am not sure there is enough server space for this one. I have to agree with what Joelle said about the assclown who shoots out around you when you are getting ready to pass someone. That really steams me. Also? Just plain, flat out ignorance is a big one too. People who lie, cheat or steal… and people who stop to chat in the middle of a supermarket aisle. WTF??

Q. Quote from a movie: ”After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” -Professor Dumbledore

R. Right- or left-handed: Righty.

S. Siblings: It’s complicated. Two half sisters and 1 half brother. But I have NEVER referred to them in that way. They are simply by brother and my sisters.  :)

T. Tattoos & Piercings: I have one tattoo, and another pending. My ears are pierced, and I have no desire to pierce anything else!

U. Underwear: I am a boring Hanes girl.

V. Vegetable(s) you hate: Beets. They taste like dirt. Blargh.

W. What makes you run late: OmGOSH what DOESN’T make me run late? We are always late and I HATE IT. If it is not the kidlet, it is the hubby. I am running around like a nut most of the time.. this needs to change..

X. X-Rays you’ve had: A few. I got shot with a BB gun as a kid, so they had to x-ray my shoulder to see where the BB was. It is still in there, somewhere! Various fingers, dental x-rays, ankles…

Y. Yummy food that you make: I make a good s’ghetti sauce and a good chili. I make to-die for baked beans. I make some killer mac and cheese, and an out of this world taco salad. LOL.  I am not too shabby a cook.

Z. Zoo animal: Hmm. I have never really thought about this….  but I think llamas. They intrigue me. They have this look in their eyes like they know something that I do not… a quiet intellience, a graceful way.. until you piss it off and it spits on you or kicks you in the face. Ha.

Memememe

No one does Meme’s anymore. I always liked those. Most people didn’t, I guess. But I liked learning little tidbits of info about people.. the little things that no one thinks to ask anymore like, “What is your favorite color?” and stuff like that.

Anyway. That was a total ADD moment.

This post was has nothing to do with meme’s and has everything to do with ME.  I am still in a major funk. And now I am sick on top of that. I had offered to do some baking for a bake sale this weekend to benefit a local family that lost everything last week in an awful house fire. I do not even know if I will make it out of here today to get what I need. It took everything I had to get up this morning. I folded two loads of laundry. I made some sausage and eggs. I cleaned the kitchen, and got another load in the wash. I made the beds and took out something to thaw for dinner.  I feel like my head is about to explode and my throat hurts. I have no cold meds…  I made some coffee since I was not in the mood for tea.  I am about to get some school work done.

I was going to complain about the hubby, but I shall refrain. I need to try to stay on a positive upswing over here…

My old friend Dan sent me some Dunkin Donuts coffee recently and omgosh. Love it. He has no idea how much I really appreciate it! SO GOOD.

So goes the ol’ soul searching thing I had talked of previously. I feel like I am just running in circles, getting nowhere at all. It is frustrating as heck. I know that I have to keep going though.. and so it goes.

The sun was supposed to shine today, but so far, it is gray and gloomy out. That does not help the ol’ mood much. I miss FL in that manner. I miss having my windows open til January. I miss the beach. I miss my friends and family. Okay okay.. positivity… must stay positive and not get sad.

*sigh*

Kindergarten valentines.. are just cards okay? Or should I be attaching candy or something to it?  I printed cards out for the kidlet. I even made little envelopes for them (pain.in.the.ass.) and I am going to have her sign them and address them to the other kids and then I have some stickers for the envelopes. My neighbor mentioned cards and candy and I thought.. Hmmm.   What did you do when your kidlets were in Kindergarten? Or any grade for that matter?? This is all new to me!

And with that, school awaits.

 

Slacker

I just have not had it in me to blog as of late.  Meh.

We are going to church each Sunday.  I have decided to meet up with the ladies group there that happens once a month.

I am struggling in so many ways.  There is so much that I feel must change within myself and to be quite honest? I do not think I have it in me.  I have been out of my meds for awhile.  As a result, I am tired all of the time.  I cannot focus.  I am depressed.  Meh.

So, time to get with it.  Doctors appointment made.  Eating a super healthy lunch.  Attitude adjusted. Ordering a slide board TODAY. I am so excited.  That sucker is going to whip me into shape.  There are so many days that I cannot get out for a simple walk.  Today is cold as heck (24 degrees), windy (50 mph gusts), foggy, rainy, muddy, and it is supposed to change over to snow.  There are no gyms around here and even if there were, I cannot afford a monthly membership.  I would give ANYTHING for a personal trainer!!  So, the slide board.. it is something that I have wanted ever since I saw it on the Biggest Loser.  I LOVE skating.  Yet, I cannot skate.  I cannot rollerblade because my ankles cannot handle it. I can rollerskate, but where?  Have you seen the hills around here? Me+skates+hills=emergency room.  And you KNOW it’s true. LOL.

I was looking back at some video T had taken of me when the kidlet was about 2. We were doing a lot of walking back then. I was walking twice a day most days, averaging about 4 to 5 miles a day. I may have still been overweight but I looked good and healthy.

I feel like a slug and I don’t like it.  So… I must change it.  The slideboard will at least get me moving EVERY DAY.  There will be NO excuses.  There cannot be.  That would be ridiculous..

Since the first week of January I have lost 6 pounds.  By the grace of God, I tell you. Because while I am definitely eating better, I have not done what I should be doing and I am not sure WHY that is so.  Where is my drive? That desire IS within me!  So, why do I shove it aside?

This whole soul searching thing is HARD, yo.

 

 

Huh….

I came across this bible verse today on the 365 Project.  A woman there had decided to follow me and I was checking out her photos. She said that this is her ‘life verse’ …

And it hit me like a train. Because this? SO applies to me.  Nice…

Jeremiah 29:11-13

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Verse 13. On the 13th of the month. Funny that.

Now, I know many of you are NOT into this sort of thing. Please spare me dialog about how God and Jesus do not exist. I am on a major journey here, mostly trying to find MYSELF. THIS is how I have chosen to do that, so I beg of you to please respect that.  I thank you in advance.

Better late than never!

We had a little get together here before Christmas.  I invited some friends and my cousins J and her man H, and D.  I am SO glad that everyone was able to be here for it!  It was no big thing.. just friends getting together, having some good chat and some good eats.  My mom had suggested it, and I had figured that with it being so close to Christmas, that everyone would be too busy.  I am glad that they made the time, because we really enjoyed it.

Christmas itself was very nice.  We have angels, and they made our Christmas very nice.  It was nice that each of us had something to open.  The kidlet was spoiled rotten, as usual.  :)

Having my mom here went a long way in making it wonderful.  Whenever I make comments about how things are not the same when she is not here, she always brings up the fact that she will not live forever.  I hate that.  I KNOW this and to be honest, it is something that I try not to think about.  I would just rather spend all the time together that we can.  NONE of us are going to be around forever… I miss my dad every day, but the holidays are still a major tough spot for me.  So having her around is extra special for me and I am thankful that she chose to be here.  Thank you mom!

On Christmas day, we had the kidlet baptized.  Our families have been after us since she was born to get it done.  My views toward religion have often not been very good, so I was very meh about it.  Lately, that has all changed.  I mean, I still struggle with religion, but that is a whole ‘nother post.  ;)  Let me just say that we have been going to church each Sunday, and we have actually been enjoying it.

I struggled with not having loads of family around on Christmas Eve, but we had a nice evening and I was thankful for the time with my little family.