Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I’ve come to the determination that I’m nuts. I mean, for real.

I know the kinds of food I NEED to eat. I know the kinds of food I NEED to avoid. And while I make an effort, it’s not enough. I will do well, and then hubby wants to stop somewhere bad to eat, and instead of saying no, my tires are squealing into the parking lot. Or I’m good til my mom says, “Ohhh let’s bake this!” 

I’m not blaming my hubby or my mom. It’s ME. I am weak. And I’m not sure how to MAKE.IT.STOP.

Y’all that have followed me over the years must tire of the same old fucking bullshit from me.  I know that I am tired of it.

Last month I attempted to do something different. I spent an entire day prepping and cooking a weeks worth of foods with the hopes that my family would actually eat it, and it would make things a bit easier on me. It wasn’t a total failure. Out of 24 containers, only 2 got tossed. 

I’m going to do it again, but only 3 or 4 days at a time, and will include lunches. For all 4 of us. 

I am currently undergoing physical therapy for my knees. No exercise til my therapist says so.  I’ve been doing some upper body stuff til I can hit it full force. I’m kind of excited because the place I go to offers personal training for weight lifting. I’m going to talk to them about it when I go to my next appointment. 

It’s $25 a month for a personalized situation. She has a doctorate in this stuff, so I am hopeful she can keep me going forward.

I will start another attempt at eating right in the next week.  I don’t eat horrible, but I need to lock it down. 

✌🏻

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Busy

Being the only person to drive leaves me running ragged some times. I don’t mind it. Now that I don’t live in Tampa, and I don’t have to deal with 275 at rush hour or I-4 at any time, I’m good..

It just seems like I’m always running some one, some where. Again, not a complaint. 

I really want and need some time to sit at my computer and do the things I want to do. Never enough time, it seems. 

I’m not sure where I was going to go with this post. Lol.

 My brain is all over the place. I need to start Christmas shopping. I also like to make things for people.. but.. that takes money and a LOT of my time….  And I don’t know if they like what I make. And the thought of putting time and effort into stuff for it to get unused or tossed makes me twitch. 

So, what to do?? Ugh.

I’ve got a programming language I want to learn. I’ve got some World History I want to know more about. I’ve got books I want to read. 

No time.

Maybe some day….

….

It’s a hard pill to swallow.. that realization that if you were to die tomorrow, the only people who would REALLY be upside down over it are your mom, your kid, and maybe your hubby for a spell. 

I’ve tried to be good and do good. I always come up short. In the big picture, I simply don’t matter. 

Exhausted 

I went to bed last night and drifted right off to sleep. I had the window open and a gust of wind blew in and the door slammed shut. It woke me and I wasn’t able to go back to sleep. I’d been asleep for about 20 minutes before the door slammed shut. Last time I checked the time, it was around 3:30. I was up at 5:30. I got my kid to school and went back to bed. And I can’t sleep.

I have so much to do today, and I literally cannot function. I’m so.tired. 😒

Present day

So, I’m fat. Morbidly obese. I totally just gave up and ended up gaining 25 more lbs.

I could spend time being angry with myself about it, but what good would that do? Self pity is what got me here. I’m to the point that I’m really uncomfortable and having a hard time doing normal things. How sad.

I’ve decided on a few things. My house is in disarray. So, this week, room by room, it’s getting decluttered and deep cleaned, right down to shampooing the carpets. I’m purging SO MUCH. Then, I’m going to spend a day or two on Ancestry crossing some T’s and dotting some I’s, then I’m cancelling my subscription for awhile. I need a break..

I’m taking the money from Ancestry, and signing up at the gym. I’m even toying with the idea of getting a trainer. I’ve got to do something. I don’t do it here, even though I have all that I need. If I’m paying for it, you can bet your ass I’m going to GO.

Tomorrow I go for X-rays on my knees. Doc isn’t sure what’s going on. I’ve either got a misaligned kneecap, bursitis, or a ligament issue. If X-rays don’t show anything conclusive, then I’ll need an MRI. All I know is I can’t walk to the bathroom without limping. The pain has steadily gotten worse over the years. I had X-rays two years ago that showed arthritic changes in both knees, my right worse than my left. 

I also start physical therapy this week. Three times a week for four weeks. I’m actually looking forward to it. I miss being mobile.

We have an exercise bike, I hope to be able to use it soon.

I’ve also decided to just put my foot down with the family on what we eat. No more garbage.

If it isn’t fruit, veggies, lean meats and MAYBE a bit of grains, it’s not coming in this house…  no more. I’m done. My kid is chronically constipated. Hubby is on so many meds I’ve lost count. He lives on ice cream and shitty cereal and wonders why he feels like crap. I buy all kinds of fresh, organic stuff and it goes bad because no one eats it but me! 

Shits gonna get real when I go grocery shopping this week. They aren’t gonna be happy with me. 

I’m going to weigh and measure tomorrow, as much as I don’t wanna, and I’m gonna get back to it. I can’t shop til Wednesday/Thursday, and have to make do with what we’ve got here.

I’m so sad. I’ve become the fat woman I’d see and feel bad for..  

The past

I am not sure why I felt the need to purge memories, but it was overwhelming and I think I can stop now. Or not… hah!

I think it was actually triggered by my cat. We had to have one of our cats put to sleep in June. She was so sick and we couldn’t make her better. 

Our other cat clearly misses her, as do we. He goes to her hidey spots looking for her and it makes me sad. 

So I was sitting at the table one day and he started looking for her and it just got me thinking how sad it is that we die and the world just keeps on going. Like we don’t matter.

Where does time go? I’ve had dreams where there are other earths, or dimensions, maybe, that contain time like a card catalogue. Every moment is there… 

I’m often surprised at the random stuff that pops into my head.. memories of long ago moments, that some times leave me feeling empty and sad.

Life changes so fast. I’ve had so many seasons in my 44 years. 

And while my life now is just fine (other than feeling stagnant personally), some times I just wish that I was still sitting around the table with my friends, drinking beer and playing our crazy version of Monopoly, while listening to Tom Petty. Or sitting in my Nan’s kitchen while she cooked breakfast, listening to my pop’s spoon clank in his mug as he stirred…

Those moments were the best. 

The little things…. Walking up on the porch on chilly fall days and smelling the chili my dad had simmering on the stove, or the smell of my mom’s banana bread as it came out of the oven. The anticipation of hanging out with my best friend on a Saturday, or coming home and scooping up my cat and plopping down on my waterbed and snuggling with her till she bit me… lol. Or when my dad would ask me to watch a movie with him. Or Mom asking me to go shopping with her… 

These moments are just as defining as the BIG things, I think.  💕

Pop

When my grandpop passed away in 1997, it devastated me. I had received a phone call from my Dad at the beginning of May that my Pop was loaded with cancer, and that the oncologist had given him a time frame of 3 weeks to 3 months, at best.

I had just come off of working a month and a half straight without a day off because my coworker had pneumonia. We worked in a rest home and shared the 3-11 shift. She had told me the day before I got the news that she owed me big, and when I took my vacation time, she would cover my two weeks. 

I talked with my then-husband, and we decided it was best to get to WV sooner rather than later, and set about getting time off. I called my coworker, and explained the situation and she told me to just go and she’d cover me. So R (hubby) and I picked our dates and made plans.

A week or so later (and 2 days before we were to leave), I go into work, and my supervisor tells me that coworker decided she does not want to work all of those days. She then says that she cannot find anyone else willing to cover my days, so I will not get my vacation time approved.

😳

I swear, my brain fell out at that moment. I couldn’t wrap my head around what she was saying. I just looked at her and said, “If you think  for one second that I’m skipping this trip, you’re crazy.”

She rebutted with, “If you go, you’ll be fired!” My eyes got big as dinner plates. “Seriously? Everyone here gets to take their vacation time, except me? Who is the ONLY one who covered all of T’s days while she was sick?? Who covers other shifts, often working doubles? Who comes in early so YOU can leave??? Me! That’s who!”

I was about to explode. I told her that I quit and I tossed the keys at her and told her to enjoy her evening and I walked out, got in my car, and drove home. Little did she know, but I’d been on the hunt for another job. I’d just finished schooling and had been interviewing and had gotten a call THAT afternoon that I had a job! 

So, it was Friday evening and we were to leave Sunday, because I was supposed to work Friday and Saturday night. I called my Nan to let her know we were on our way. My dad was already there. 
We spent two weeks with them. My brother and his family came in as well. It was such a sad time, watching him in his final days, witnessing my Nanny trying to cope with it all. We had to leave on May 31st, as I was to start my new job on June 2nd. 

It was SO hard to leave. Hugging him and saying goodbye was dreadful.. knowing it would be my last time in doing so. I cried the whole way back to Massachusetts. 

I started my new job on June 2nd. The 5th was my birthday. My mom was now in WV at my Nan and Pops. As I readied myself for work, I expected a phone call from my mom. She always called me on my birthday and she always sent flowers as well. 

I went all day and heard from no one. I had the worst feeling in my heart. I knew why I’d not heard from anyone…

Upon arriving home, then-hubby opened the door for me and when I saw his face, I knew. All he said to me was, “I talked to your mom a bit ago…. I’m so so sorry…”

I didn’t even make it into our apartment. I collapsed in a heap in the hall way. I couldn’t breathe. The tears poured down my face like never before..

The days and weeks that followed were filled with such sadness. I cried myself to sleep at night. I was so upset to miss his funeral. Every one kept telling me that I was there for him when it mattered, and to not fret over it. 

My Nan later told me that at about 6:30 that morning, he had woken up. It was the first time in days, and he just wanted to know what day it was.. when she said it was Thursday, he said, “No.. what’s the date?” She said, “June 5th.”

She said he closed his eyes, smiled a small smile.. and by 7:45 he was gone. She thinks he waited for a special day. 

I don’t know about that, but I didn’t celebrate my birthday much in the years that followed. It just wasn’t a happy day for me any more. 

I go visit their grave often. He was not my biological grandfather, but there’s no way I could’ve loved him more than I did.

Yesterday, I was sitting in the Walmart parking lot waiting for my kid and my hubby, when all of a sudden I was swamped in sadness. My heart filled with sorrow and felt so very heavy, and the one thought in my head was that my Pop never got to see this small town get it’s Walmart. 

Random. So so random. I could hear his voice in my head and I had to smile. I miss him SO much. I think it’s time to go pay a visit and bring some Fall flowers up for them…

He had a daughter. I’ve not seen her since 1982 or so. I adored her. No one knows where she is or what became of her. Endless googling turns up nothing. 

I’d love to find her. I’d assume she’s in her 60s by now. Time is crazy…..