Eh.

I woke up with so much running through my head.. too much. I never seem to finish a thought.. I hate feeling so unsettled. I’m also feeling under the weather physically. I’d wanted to go to the river, which would’ve been an instant mood lifter, but it’s not happening today. So, I’m not sure how to clear it all out. I’m just trying to maintain an attitude of gratitude! I have much to be thankful for. I don’t want to lose sight of what is really important.I’m going to have a late breakfast, enjoy my coffee with my loves, and get to cleaning up my office a bit.

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Swirly whirlybird

That’s my brain right now. Always in motion. Too bad my body isn’t. πŸ˜’In my heart, in my head, I have all the motivation in the world. My body gives me the finger, though.I’m sitting here at 2 a.m. knowing full well that I needed to go to bed hours ago. Yet, here I am. I’ve eaten so crappy this last week. So now I’m reflecting and I’m angry with myself. I’ve no willpower. Mom and T keep buying junk and I keep eating it. And I feel like crap, and am actually craving something healthy.We camp this week. I’m not bringing any junk other than some Tostitos and salsa. My goal is to walk several times a day, eat proportionally, and hydrate well. Also, relax. And enjoy. If I post plans about what I’ll do when I get home, I’ll just fail and feel like a loser.Ugh. I won’t be able to post til we are home. See you then.

Time.

Oh, I have so much on my mind. Mainly? Time…

Time is wonderful, and yet the lack of it sucks. Example: My kid is some how almost 12.

Twelve. So, I sit here and think of how little time we have left with her under our wings. And I CANNOT. Ugh.

But, that is our job as parents. We cannot keep them. We have to prepare them to soar. Β She is SO amazing. I cannot even begin to explain the ways. She is at West Virginia University this week for an art camp. She loves all things art and has a talent for drawing, and sculpting. She likes to paint, too. And now, as a result of this camp, she has been exposed to more mediums that have interested her. I am SO glad that we were able to do this for her. We may not have been, originally. Her grandmother recently passed away, and she had a life insurance policy that she left to M’s dad. And so the money came from that.

So, as much as we are saddened by the loss, we are grateful for her gift, and made sure that it benefited her granddaughter in some way. We will make sure to have the money so that she can go again next year, and so on. I am hoping they have similar science camps, but have to research that. She wants to go, if they have them!

Time. I look back on parts of my life and think, “How in the HELL was that 30 years ago?” Β It blows my mind. It hit me recently when I was thinking about my first real job at a local coffee shop. I loved my customers so much! And? I am betting that they are all gone now. Thirty years and most of them were elderly, or close to it, back then. It was such a depressing thought.

Music is both uplifting, and depressing at the same time. I will listen to songs that remind me of my childhood, of good times… and then it hits me that all the people I was surrounded with back then? A lot of them are gone. And so then I get sad….

It is a total love/hate relationship that time and I have..

One thing I DO know, is that I have to utilize it better. I have to make it work for me. And I am taking baby steps to make that happen.

Because…. we are all on borrowed time, and none of us know just how much of it we have.

Peace. And make the most of your time!

Routine

For years now, I have felt ‘off’ … I just assumed it was due to my entire life being dumped upside down, the ensuing chaos, the roller coaster ride of trying to get my hubby back to normal, whatever that is.

Living with someone who struggles with mental illness is a challenge. I often question my own sanity.

Life is still a jumbled mess a lot of the time. There is no continuity. Things are fine for a period of time, and then they are not.

I’ve been struggling with my own issues as of late, trying to figure out how to pull myself out of this depression without meds. And it hit me the other night…

Routine.

I miss my routine.

Before it all went to Hell, I had a routine. My child was a baby and my daily life was about as close to perfect (for me) as it could’ve been. And I was happy.

I have no routine. And every part of my life suffers as a result. My house is a mess. Clutter and chaos abound. My attitude is a mess. Again with clutter and chaos. My body is a mess. Waaay too much going on there..

So, this week, my focus is to find a routine, and make it so. I really believe that if I find that groove and stick with it, the other stuff will work itself out.

Things and stuff

It’s been a low-key day. Mom made delicious corn beef and smoked Gouda sammiches on rye bread for lunch. I cleaned the kitchen, and did some laundry. Finally got Maya’s school pics sorted out and wrote a quick note to those getting a picture.

T has been asleep all day. πŸ˜•

I am about to bake a cake and dinner is almost done. I hate eating so late but we ate lunch late so no one was hungry at 5.

I really worked hard not to be so down today. Mom and I didn’t really talk about what today is…

I miss him so very, very much. I just consider myself lucky that I had him as my dad.

I’ve GOT to get my office in order. It’s chaos and I don’t even like to be in there πŸ˜‘

I have rosacea and it’s getting worse. Make up doesn’t help any more. I bought some OTC meds because everything ever prescribed for me did not work. This stuff is working! I’m so glad!

Tomorrow, my kid goes to an art camp. For the week. I’m going to miss her so much, but I’m super excited for her!

She’s all packed and ready to go.

I’m really hungry now. So, that is all. 😬

Have a good night!

I hate June

My birthday is June 5.

My mom’s dad’s birthday was June 11. He died on June 15. My other grandfather died on my 24th birthday. My mother-in-laws birthday is June 24.

My brother-in-law Mark died on June 20th, and my dad died on June 23rd, while we were attending Mark’s funeral. It was the absolute worst week of my life.

It’s a shit month for me.

I try. I try so hard to get through without too much negativity, as I know my loved ones don’t want that for me. But wow. Hard.

So.. no plans for the day. Hoping mom and I can do something together, maybe bake something yummy, or make a good meal together. I sure hope the sun shines a bit. I could use that…

A good day

I spent the afternoon out and about with my mom. It was nice. We hit up a local farm for some fresh steaks/burgers/sausage. I’m so thankful to have places around here to get farm-to-table goods. I’d much rather we support our locals than Walmart. We had sandwiches from there for lunch, too. They were delish. The people are super nice. The man seems REALLY familiar to me, but I can’t place him..

Nova kept an eye on things til I put them in the fridge.

We bought some Amish cheese they get from nearby PA. Omg. Cheddar Mango Pepper. She said it wasn’t hot. She lied! Lol. But it’s amazing! I can’t wait to have some of it with a cold, fresh sliced apple! Mmmmm. We also bought some smoked Gouda, which I could eat all day long and then some. I completely understand why my dad always called good cheese ‘poor man’s steak’ !!! Speaking of good cheese, I need to get my hands on Tillamook Cheddar. That stuff is amazing.

Speaking of my dad, tomorrow marks the 13th year since he left us. I was walking around Walmart fighting back tears as I wandered around the tool section looking for something. I used to love shopping for my dad for Christmas and his birthday. I always made mental notes of things he needed or wanted. He was always so happy to get stuff he needed for his work shop. But most of all, I loved the surprise gifts; the ones he never expected! Those are the ones I’d wrap in an entire Sunday newspaper, inserts and all! Made him work for it hahaha. He was good at getting me back.. like the time he put a bowling ball in a dishwasher box packed full of balled up newspaper, popcorn styrofoam and bubble wrap. 😬 Good memories. I hope they will get me through… πŸ’•

Well, I’m off to go vacuum my office and neaten up my desk a bit. Dinner tonight is sirloin steaks on the grill with steak fries and a big salad. Yummers.