Times change..

Yesterday evening my 11 year old says to me, “So, mommy? Is it okay for me to just call you Mom from now on?”

Inside, a large part of me died. Right then.

First, there was the acknowledgement of the Santa issue…

Now this?? 😳

I said that it was okay to just call me Mom, even though I was a volcano of emotion inside. Then, I asked why..

She said that at lunch, some times she just sits and listens to the conversation around her. And often times she hears kids getting picked on and ripped apart when they call Mom ‘mommy’ , being told that only babies use that term.

I told her that it’s completely okay to call me Mom.

And then I went and cried in a corner.

She’s growing up faster than I can handle. And the fact that any chance of ever giving her a sibling is long gone, has me in the pits of depression.

When I see drug-dependent women popping out kids left and right with no regard to their well-being, I wonder what it is that I did so wrong to make it so that here I am.. almost 45 and unable to have another?

It makes me hate life, hate myself.

But I keep plugging on. For him. For her. For my mom…

All the while feeling like an empty sack of crap. 😦

Why did I have to be the broken one? Had I been able to birth another, there’s no way in a million years I’d ever be unfit to be a mom.

😩

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Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I’ve come to the determination that I’m nuts. I mean, for real.

I know the kinds of food I NEED to eat. I know the kinds of food I NEED to avoid. And while I make an effort, it’s not enough. I will do well, and then hubby wants to stop somewhere bad to eat, and instead of saying no, my tires are squealing into the parking lot. Or I’m good til my mom says, “Ohhh let’s bake this!” 

I’m not blaming my hubby or my mom. It’s ME. I am weak. And I’m not sure how to MAKE.IT.STOP.

Y’all that have followed me over the years must tire of the same old fucking bullshit from me.  I know that I am tired of it.

Last month I attempted to do something different. I spent an entire day prepping and cooking a weeks worth of foods with the hopes that my family would actually eat it, and it would make things a bit easier on me. It wasn’t a total failure. Out of 24 containers, only 2 got tossed. 

I’m going to do it again, but only 3 or 4 days at a time, and will include lunches. For all 4 of us. 

I am currently undergoing physical therapy for my knees. No exercise til my therapist says so.  I’ve been doing some upper body stuff til I can hit it full force. I’m kind of excited because the place I go to offers personal training for weight lifting. I’m going to talk to them about it when I go to my next appointment. 

It’s $25 a month for a personalized situation. She has a doctorate in this stuff, so I am hopeful she can keep me going forward.

I will start another attempt at eating right in the next week.  I don’t eat horrible, but I need to lock it down. 

✌🏻

Busy

Being the only person to drive leaves me running ragged some times. I don’t mind it. Now that I don’t live in Tampa, and I don’t have to deal with 275 at rush hour or I-4 at any time, I’m good..

It just seems like I’m always running some one, some where. Again, not a complaint. 

I really want and need some time to sit at my computer and do the things I want to do. Never enough time, it seems. 

I’m not sure where I was going to go with this post. Lol.

 My brain is all over the place. I need to start Christmas shopping. I also like to make things for people.. but.. that takes money and a LOT of my time….  And I don’t know if they like what I make. And the thought of putting time and effort into stuff for it to get unused or tossed makes me twitch. 

So, what to do?? Ugh.

I’ve got a programming language I want to learn. I’ve got some World History I want to know more about. I’ve got books I want to read. 

No time.

Maybe some day….

….

It’s a hard pill to swallow.. that realization that if you were to die tomorrow, the only people who would REALLY be upside down over it are your mom, your kid, and maybe your hubby for a spell. 

I’ve tried to be good and do good. I always come up short. In the big picture, I simply don’t matter. 

Exhausted 

I went to bed last night and drifted right off to sleep. I had the window open and a gust of wind blew in and the door slammed shut. It woke me and I wasn’t able to go back to sleep. I’d been asleep for about 20 minutes before the door slammed shut. Last time I checked the time, it was around 3:30. I was up at 5:30. I got my kid to school and went back to bed. And I can’t sleep.

I have so much to do today, and I literally cannot function. I’m so.tired. 😒

Present day

So, I’m fat. Morbidly obese. I totally just gave up and ended up gaining 25 more lbs.

I could spend time being angry with myself about it, but what good would that do? Self pity is what got me here. I’m to the point that I’m really uncomfortable and having a hard time doing normal things. How sad.

I’ve decided on a few things. My house is in disarray. So, this week, room by room, it’s getting decluttered and deep cleaned, right down to shampooing the carpets. I’m purging SO MUCH. Then, I’m going to spend a day or two on Ancestry crossing some T’s and dotting some I’s, then I’m cancelling my subscription for awhile. I need a break..

I’m taking the money from Ancestry, and signing up at the gym. I’m even toying with the idea of getting a trainer. I’ve got to do something. I don’t do it here, even though I have all that I need. If I’m paying for it, you can bet your ass I’m going to GO.

Tomorrow I go for X-rays on my knees. Doc isn’t sure what’s going on. I’ve either got a misaligned kneecap, bursitis, or a ligament issue. If X-rays don’t show anything conclusive, then I’ll need an MRI. All I know is I can’t walk to the bathroom without limping. The pain has steadily gotten worse over the years. I had X-rays two years ago that showed arthritic changes in both knees, my right worse than my left. 

I also start physical therapy this week. Three times a week for four weeks. I’m actually looking forward to it. I miss being mobile.

We have an exercise bike, I hope to be able to use it soon.

I’ve also decided to just put my foot down with the family on what we eat. No more garbage.

If it isn’t fruit, veggies, lean meats and MAYBE a bit of grains, it’s not coming in this house…  no more. I’m done. My kid is chronically constipated. Hubby is on so many meds I’ve lost count. He lives on ice cream and shitty cereal and wonders why he feels like crap. I buy all kinds of fresh, organic stuff and it goes bad because no one eats it but me! 

Shits gonna get real when I go grocery shopping this week. They aren’t gonna be happy with me. 

I’m going to weigh and measure tomorrow, as much as I don’t wanna, and I’m gonna get back to it. I can’t shop til Wednesday/Thursday, and have to make do with what we’ve got here.

I’m so sad. I’ve become the fat woman I’d see and feel bad for..  

The past

I am not sure why I felt the need to purge memories, but it was overwhelming and I think I can stop now. Or not… hah!

I think it was actually triggered by my cat. We had to have one of our cats put to sleep in June. She was so sick and we couldn’t make her better. 

Our other cat clearly misses her, as do we. He goes to her hidey spots looking for her and it makes me sad. 

So I was sitting at the table one day and he started looking for her and it just got me thinking how sad it is that we die and the world just keeps on going. Like we don’t matter.

Where does time go? I’ve had dreams where there are other earths, or dimensions, maybe, that contain time like a card catalogue. Every moment is there… 

I’m often surprised at the random stuff that pops into my head.. memories of long ago moments, that some times leave me feeling empty and sad.

Life changes so fast. I’ve had so many seasons in my 44 years. 

And while my life now is just fine (other than feeling stagnant personally), some times I just wish that I was still sitting around the table with my friends, drinking beer and playing our crazy version of Monopoly, while listening to Tom Petty. Or sitting in my Nan’s kitchen while she cooked breakfast, listening to my pop’s spoon clank in his mug as he stirred…

Those moments were the best. 

The little things…. Walking up on the porch on chilly fall days and smelling the chili my dad had simmering on the stove, or the smell of my mom’s banana bread as it came out of the oven. The anticipation of hanging out with my best friend on a Saturday, or coming home and scooping up my cat and plopping down on my waterbed and snuggling with her till she bit me… lol. Or when my dad would ask me to watch a movie with him. Or Mom asking me to go shopping with her… 

These moments are just as defining as the BIG things, I think.  💕