Time.

Oh, I have so much on my mind. Mainly? Time…

Time is wonderful, and yet the lack of it sucks. Example: My kid is some how almost 12.

Twelve. So, I sit here and think of how little time we have left with her under our wings. And I CANNOT. Ugh.

But, that is our job as parents. We cannot keep them. We have to prepare them to soar.  She is SO amazing. I cannot even begin to explain the ways. She is at West Virginia University this week for an art camp. She loves all things art and has a talent for drawing, and sculpting. She likes to paint, too. And now, as a result of this camp, she has been exposed to more mediums that have interested her. I am SO glad that we were able to do this for her. We may not have been, originally. Her grandmother recently passed away, and she had a life insurance policy that she left to M’s dad. And so the money came from that.

So, as much as we are saddened by the loss, we are grateful for her gift, and made sure that it benefited her granddaughter in some way. We will make sure to have the money so that she can go again next year, and so on. I am hoping they have similar science camps, but have to research that. She wants to go, if they have them!

Time. I look back on parts of my life and think, “How in the HELL was that 30 years ago?”  It blows my mind. It hit me recently when I was thinking about my first real job at a local coffee shop. I loved my customers so much! And? I am betting that they are all gone now. Thirty years and most of them were elderly, or close to it, back then. It was such a depressing thought.

Music is both uplifting, and depressing at the same time. I will listen to songs that remind me of my childhood, of good times… and then it hits me that all the people I was surrounded with back then? A lot of them are gone. And so then I get sad….

It is a total love/hate relationship that time and I have..

One thing I DO know, is that I have to utilize it better. I have to make it work for me. And I am taking baby steps to make that happen.

Because…. we are all on borrowed time, and none of us know just how much of it we have.

Peace. And make the most of your time!

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Routine

For years now, I have felt ‘off’ … I just assumed it was due to my entire life being dumped upside down, the ensuing chaos, the roller coaster ride of trying to get my hubby back to normal, whatever that is.

Living with someone who struggles with mental illness is a challenge. I often question my own sanity.

Life is still a jumbled mess a lot of the time. There is no continuity. Things are fine for a period of time, and then they are not.

I’ve been struggling with my own issues as of late, trying to figure out how to pull myself out of this depression without meds. And it hit me the other night…

Routine.

I miss my routine.

Before it all went to Hell, I had a routine. My child was a baby and my daily life was about as close to perfect (for me) as it could’ve been. And I was happy.

I have no routine. And every part of my life suffers as a result. My house is a mess. Clutter and chaos abound. My attitude is a mess. Again with clutter and chaos. My body is a mess. Waaay too much going on there..

So, this week, my focus is to find a routine, and make it so. I really believe that if I find that groove and stick with it, the other stuff will work itself out.

The Longest Day

The Summer Solstice! I wait all year for this day! I had hoped today would be sunny and hot. Like summer should be. But, nope. 😔

I’m sitting here listening to the birds. They sure have a lot to say. When a car comes by, they hush for a second or two, and then resume. I’m thankful for them and their chirpiness. 😌 There is a slight breeze right now that is all kinds of wonderful.

I’m really trying to focus on having a few moments to practice gratitude. This is an awfully depressing week for me, and I’m struggling..

However, I have much to be thankful for! Some times, I let the crap of life sink in too deep.

I really just want to be at/in the river. It’s my happy place. I would really like to just mosey on down whether the sun comes out or not. Although, I do have a mountain of laundry I should get moving on, in case my people should want to be clothed… 🤗

So, I guess that’ll be my focus today. Clean clothes for all! I can sneak in some hammock time in between loads!

I am also planning a very healthy dinner of zucchini noodles with basil pesto, and a big salad, with some freshly made iced tea, and a home made, not-so-healthy yellow cake with the most amazing home made chocolate frosting!

It’s amazing how my attitude has turned around just since the start of this post.

A grateful heart is a wonderful thing.

May you have a grateful heart 💜 and a wonderful day!

Busy

Being the only person to drive leaves me running ragged some times. I don’t mind it. Now that I don’t live in Tampa, and I don’t have to deal with 275 at rush hour or I-4 at any time, I’m good..

It just seems like I’m always running some one, some where. Again, not a complaint. 

I really want and need some time to sit at my computer and do the things I want to do. Never enough time, it seems. 

I’m not sure where I was going to go with this post. Lol.

 My brain is all over the place. I need to start Christmas shopping. I also like to make things for people.. but.. that takes money and a LOT of my time….  And I don’t know if they like what I make. And the thought of putting time and effort into stuff for it to get unused or tossed makes me twitch. 

So, what to do?? Ugh.

I’ve got a programming language I want to learn. I’ve got some World History I want to know more about. I’ve got books I want to read. 

No time.

Maybe some day….

Present day

So, I’m fat. Morbidly obese. I totally just gave up and ended up gaining 25 more lbs.

I could spend time being angry with myself about it, but what good would that do? Self pity is what got me here. I’m to the point that I’m really uncomfortable and having a hard time doing normal things. How sad.

I’ve decided on a few things. My house is in disarray. So, this week, room by room, it’s getting decluttered and deep cleaned, right down to shampooing the carpets. I’m purging SO MUCH. Then, I’m going to spend a day or two on Ancestry crossing some T’s and dotting some I’s, then I’m cancelling my subscription for awhile. I need a break..

I’m taking the money from Ancestry, and signing up at the gym. I’m even toying with the idea of getting a trainer. I’ve got to do something. I don’t do it here, even though I have all that I need. If I’m paying for it, you can bet your ass I’m going to GO.

Tomorrow I go for X-rays on my knees. Doc isn’t sure what’s going on. I’ve either got a misaligned kneecap, bursitis, or a ligament issue. If X-rays don’t show anything conclusive, then I’ll need an MRI. All I know is I can’t walk to the bathroom without limping. The pain has steadily gotten worse over the years. I had X-rays two years ago that showed arthritic changes in both knees, my right worse than my left. 

I also start physical therapy this week. Three times a week for four weeks. I’m actually looking forward to it. I miss being mobile.

We have an exercise bike, I hope to be able to use it soon.

I’ve also decided to just put my foot down with the family on what we eat. No more garbage.

If it isn’t fruit, veggies, lean meats and MAYBE a bit of grains, it’s not coming in this house…  no more. I’m done. My kid is chronically constipated. Hubby is on so many meds I’ve lost count. He lives on ice cream and shitty cereal and wonders why he feels like crap. I buy all kinds of fresh, organic stuff and it goes bad because no one eats it but me! 

Shits gonna get real when I go grocery shopping this week. They aren’t gonna be happy with me. 

I’m going to weigh and measure tomorrow, as much as I don’t wanna, and I’m gonna get back to it. I can’t shop til Wednesday/Thursday, and have to make do with what we’ve got here.

I’m so sad. I’ve become the fat woman I’d see and feel bad for..  

Day 59

While I have largely pissed away the last 58 days, I’m still trying.

I ate well today. I started my day with a Shakeology with spinach and almond milk. I had a late breakfast/early lunch of an omelet with peppers and onions, and ham and rye. I should have foregone the rye. Dammit, I love bread. :/

I got in 8 oz of a kombucha drink I bought to try. I’ve had a swimming pool’s worth of water lol. I really needed to get in some fruit, but after a dinner of a large salad with hard boiled eggs and a cup of beef bone broth, I’m stuffed!

I’m happy with my choices today. 😁

Day 58

I rocked today. Just sayin’…  😬

Hoping I can do the same tomorrow. 👍🏻

I’m TRYING to go gluten free. I found gluten free croutons. Yay!

My salad for lunch was delish.

My dinner was even better!


It’s chicken, bacon, sweet potatoes, apples, onion, and Brussels all cooked in a skillet, seasoned with garlic, thyme, salt, pepper, and cinnamon. Amazing!!

I also got in 96 oz water. 😳

👍🏻