Busy

Being the only person to drive leaves me running ragged some times. I don’t mind it. Now that I don’t live in Tampa, and I don’t have to deal with 275 at rush hour or I-4 at any time, I’m good..

It just seems like I’m always running some one, some where. Again, not a complaint. 

I really want and need some time to sit at my computer and do the things I want to do. Never enough time, it seems. 

I’m not sure where I was going to go with this post. Lol.

 My brain is all over the place. I need to start Christmas shopping. I also like to make things for people.. but.. that takes money and a LOT of my time….  And I don’t know if they like what I make. And the thought of putting time and effort into stuff for it to get unused or tossed makes me twitch. 

So, what to do?? Ugh.

I’ve got a programming language I want to learn. I’ve got some World History I want to know more about. I’ve got books I want to read. 

No time.

Maybe some day….

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Present day

So, I’m fat. Morbidly obese. I totally just gave up and ended up gaining 25 more lbs.

I could spend time being angry with myself about it, but what good would that do? Self pity is what got me here. I’m to the point that I’m really uncomfortable and having a hard time doing normal things. How sad.

I’ve decided on a few things. My house is in disarray. So, this week, room by room, it’s getting decluttered and deep cleaned, right down to shampooing the carpets. I’m purging SO MUCH. Then, I’m going to spend a day or two on Ancestry crossing some T’s and dotting some I’s, then I’m cancelling my subscription for awhile. I need a break..

I’m taking the money from Ancestry, and signing up at the gym. I’m even toying with the idea of getting a trainer. I’ve got to do something. I don’t do it here, even though I have all that I need. If I’m paying for it, you can bet your ass I’m going to GO.

Tomorrow I go for X-rays on my knees. Doc isn’t sure what’s going on. I’ve either got a misaligned kneecap, bursitis, or a ligament issue. If X-rays don’t show anything conclusive, then I’ll need an MRI. All I know is I can’t walk to the bathroom without limping. The pain has steadily gotten worse over the years. I had X-rays two years ago that showed arthritic changes in both knees, my right worse than my left. 

I also start physical therapy this week. Three times a week for four weeks. I’m actually looking forward to it. I miss being mobile.

We have an exercise bike, I hope to be able to use it soon.

I’ve also decided to just put my foot down with the family on what we eat. No more garbage.

If it isn’t fruit, veggies, lean meats and MAYBE a bit of grains, it’s not coming in this house…  no more. I’m done. My kid is chronically constipated. Hubby is on so many meds I’ve lost count. He lives on ice cream and shitty cereal and wonders why he feels like crap. I buy all kinds of fresh, organic stuff and it goes bad because no one eats it but me! 

Shits gonna get real when I go grocery shopping this week. They aren’t gonna be happy with me. 

I’m going to weigh and measure tomorrow, as much as I don’t wanna, and I’m gonna get back to it. I can’t shop til Wednesday/Thursday, and have to make do with what we’ve got here.

I’m so sad. I’ve become the fat woman I’d see and feel bad for..  

The past

I am not sure why I felt the need to purge memories, but it was overwhelming and I think I can stop now. Or not… hah!

I think it was actually triggered by my cat. We had to have one of our cats put to sleep in June. She was so sick and we couldn’t make her better. 

Our other cat clearly misses her, as do we. He goes to her hidey spots looking for her and it makes me sad. 

So I was sitting at the table one day and he started looking for her and it just got me thinking how sad it is that we die and the world just keeps on going. Like we don’t matter.

Where does time go? I’ve had dreams where there are other earths, or dimensions, maybe, that contain time like a card catalogue. Every moment is there… 

I’m often surprised at the random stuff that pops into my head.. memories of long ago moments, that some times leave me feeling empty and sad.

Life changes so fast. I’ve had so many seasons in my 44 years. 

And while my life now is just fine (other than feeling stagnant personally), some times I just wish that I was still sitting around the table with my friends, drinking beer and playing our crazy version of Monopoly, while listening to Tom Petty. Or sitting in my Nan’s kitchen while she cooked breakfast, listening to my pop’s spoon clank in his mug as he stirred…

Those moments were the best. 

The little things…. Walking up on the porch on chilly fall days and smelling the chili my dad had simmering on the stove, or the smell of my mom’s banana bread as it came out of the oven. The anticipation of hanging out with my best friend on a Saturday, or coming home and scooping up my cat and plopping down on my waterbed and snuggling with her till she bit me… lol. Or when my dad would ask me to watch a movie with him. Or Mom asking me to go shopping with her… 

These moments are just as defining as the BIG things, I think.  💕

Pop

When my grandpop passed away in 1997, it devastated me. I had received a phone call from my Dad at the beginning of May that my Pop was loaded with cancer, and that the oncologist had given him a time frame of 3 weeks to 3 months, at best.

I had just come off of working a month and a half straight without a day off because my coworker had pneumonia. We worked in a rest home and shared the 3-11 shift. She had told me the day before I got the news that she owed me big, and when I took my vacation time, she would cover my two weeks. 

I talked with my then-husband, and we decided it was best to get to WV sooner rather than later, and set about getting time off. I called my coworker, and explained the situation and she told me to just go and she’d cover me. So R (hubby) and I picked our dates and made plans.

A week or so later (and 2 days before we were to leave), I go into work, and my supervisor tells me that coworker decided she does not want to work all of those days. She then says that she cannot find anyone else willing to cover my days, so I will not get my vacation time approved.

😳

I swear, my brain fell out at that moment. I couldn’t wrap my head around what she was saying. I just looked at her and said, “If you think  for one second that I’m skipping this trip, you’re crazy.”

She rebutted with, “If you go, you’ll be fired!” My eyes got big as dinner plates. “Seriously? Everyone here gets to take their vacation time, except me? Who is the ONLY one who covered all of T’s days while she was sick?? Who covers other shifts, often working doubles? Who comes in early so YOU can leave??? Me! That’s who!”

I was about to explode. I told her that I quit and I tossed the keys at her and told her to enjoy her evening and I walked out, got in my car, and drove home. Little did she know, but I’d been on the hunt for another job. I’d just finished schooling and had been interviewing and had gotten a call THAT afternoon that I had a job! 

So, it was Friday evening and we were to leave Sunday, because I was supposed to work Friday and Saturday night. I called my Nan to let her know we were on our way. My dad was already there. 
We spent two weeks with them. My brother and his family came in as well. It was such a sad time, watching him in his final days, witnessing my Nanny trying to cope with it all. We had to leave on May 31st, as I was to start my new job on June 2nd. 

It was SO hard to leave. Hugging him and saying goodbye was dreadful.. knowing it would be my last time in doing so. I cried the whole way back to Massachusetts. 

I started my new job on June 2nd. The 5th was my birthday. My mom was now in WV at my Nan and Pops. As I readied myself for work, I expected a phone call from my mom. She always called me on my birthday and she always sent flowers as well. 

I went all day and heard from no one. I had the worst feeling in my heart. I knew why I’d not heard from anyone…

Upon arriving home, then-hubby opened the door for me and when I saw his face, I knew. All he said to me was, “I talked to your mom a bit ago…. I’m so so sorry…”

I didn’t even make it into our apartment. I collapsed in a heap in the hall way. I couldn’t breathe. The tears poured down my face like never before..

The days and weeks that followed were filled with such sadness. I cried myself to sleep at night. I was so upset to miss his funeral. Every one kept telling me that I was there for him when it mattered, and to not fret over it. 

My Nan later told me that at about 6:30 that morning, he had woken up. It was the first time in days, and he just wanted to know what day it was.. when she said it was Thursday, he said, “No.. what’s the date?” She said, “June 5th.”

She said he closed his eyes, smiled a small smile.. and by 7:45 he was gone. She thinks he waited for a special day. 

I don’t know about that, but I didn’t celebrate my birthday much in the years that followed. It just wasn’t a happy day for me any more. 

I go visit their grave often. He was not my biological grandfather, but there’s no way I could’ve loved him more than I did.

Yesterday, I was sitting in the Walmart parking lot waiting for my kid and my hubby, when all of a sudden I was swamped in sadness. My heart filled with sorrow and felt so very heavy, and the one thought in my head was that my Pop never got to see this small town get it’s Walmart. 

Random. So so random. I could hear his voice in my head and I had to smile. I miss him SO much. I think it’s time to go pay a visit and bring some Fall flowers up for them…

He had a daughter. I’ve not seen her since 1982 or so. I adored her. No one knows where she is or what became of her. Endless googling turns up nothing. 

I’d love to find her. I’d assume she’s in her 60s by now. Time is crazy…..

Sixth grade

Not a good year for me at all. Yet, it was amazing st the same time. 

 We left PA and moved to New Bedford, MA. We were living in my grandmother’s apartment (she was shacking up with her man lol), but my mom didn’t want me in NB schools. So, she enrolled me in Dartmouth Middle using my Aunt’s address, and we would drive over there each morning for me to catch the bus. 

It was okay, I guess. I made a few friends. I wasn’t there very long, though. 

We ended up moving to the Cape, to a little summer vacation rental along the ocean in Sandwich. It was FANTASTIC. The Atlantic was literally my backyard. 

Oh, I spent pretty much all of my time outside. I loved low tide, looking for creatures in tide pools and sitting on the jetty for hours, watching the tide roll in. And the rocks and shells! Endless hours of solitude and exploration. It was bliss. 

Ocean air is intoxicating. It is invigorating. It is addictive. I often ended up with wind burn upon my face. We lived near a marsh. A very, very large marsh, with a mile long boardwalk from one side to the other. I’d walk it each day. When the tide was up, I’d lie across it and watch the crabs coming in and out of their little hidey holes in search of food. 

I attended the Henry T. Wing Elementary school, which is where I spent K through 2nd grade before moving WV. I was able to reconnect with kids I had been friends with in the beginning. I was only there for a short while, because in January we moved into a brand new house in Monument Beach. I then attended the Stone Elementary School on Otis Air Force Base. 

I’m still friends with a lot of the kids I befriended back then. I remember really trying to figure out who I was during this time. 

I loved riding my bike and playing street hockey with the neighbor kids. The girl across the street and I became best friends, and life was good.

Still, I was so glad when 6th grade was over. It had seemed to go on forever…

PA, continued.

My love of that house and its surroundings is what fuels my desire to purchase an old farmhouse with some land. I want chickens, and pigs. I want goats. I want to garden. I want fruit trees and a grape arbor. I’d even like to try my hand at bee keeping. If only I could get over the fact that they are BEES. Ugh. 🙄

 I want solitude. 

I want a big kitchen with lots of counter space!

☺️

When I took the hubby by the old place last year, I was in shock at how small the house actually is. When I was a kid, it was a big, old house. 

It’s not big. Lol. I actually went and looked up the property online. It’s about 1100 square feet. It looks tiny compared to how I remember it! Perspective is a funny thing.

We are slowly working towards the dream of having an old farm house. The trouble lies in where we are. Pickings are slim here. I’ve been on the hunt for over a year.

If we sell this place quickly, and before we’ve found what we want, we have no where to live! 

If we find what we want, we need to sell this in order to purchase that! And selling a house here is NOT an easy or quick process. So, I am not really sure what we will do. *sigh*

I’m guessing we need to sell this first. We’d need to rent a place til we found what we wanted. Finding places to rent around here is like finding a needle in a haystack. 

We have our work cut out for us, for sure. 

Pennsylvania 

We moved to PA when I was 10 or 11. I remember the day we stepped foot into the house. It smelled like Pine-Sol. It was big and I fell in love with it immediately! It was in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by hay and Timothy fields and woods and a potato field. 

It was so very quiet. Occasionally, you’d hear a semi going along the interstate just a few miles away. I remember many days sitting outside, alone, digging in our red clay driveway, in the hot sun… red clay makes fantastic mud pies you know…

I dug up some really neat rocks in the shade of one of the barns one day. I loved riding my bike back and forth along our desolate road. I’d spend hours wandering in the woods or through the fields. To this day, when I hear a small plane in the sky, it reminds me of that first summer there in PA. 

We had a water pump out front that pumped ice cold water all summer long. I used it often to quench my thirst, and to cool off, and for making mud pies 😉

I spent a lot of time alone. I was happy there. My mom loved baking and making butter and breads.. my dad hunted and we always had fresh eggs and fresh milk. One time the cows got out and got into a garlic patch. The milk the next day reeked of garlic.. we couldn’t drink it.

 I ate rabbit for the first time, in a pot pie, during our first winter there. Mom told me it was chicken. When the truth was revealed, I was NOT happy. I don’t like being duped.

I had to help my dad chop wood, as that is how we cooked and heated the house. Our neighbor down the road had a small saw mill. I used to help him, too. His grandson lived with him and his wife. His name was Scott Shives. Scott and I became good friends. I used to wander down through the field to their house often. There was a stream that was mostly underground, that ran through that area. In the middle of that field was a huge, deep hole. I used to sit some times, just listening to the water tinkling along. It had a lot more water in it in the Spring and Fall. It came above ground again right near Scott’s grandparents house. We used to drop toy boats in the hole and try to make it to the house before the boats. We never did beat those boats!

That field is now a full forest of trees. It blows my mind and makes me feel old. 

Scott’s grandparents are both gone now, as is Scott. He was killed in a car accident in his Senior year of high school. 

We had another neighbor, Clarence. He was a sweet old man. He had lost his wife just prior to us moving in. He spent a lot of time with us. His loneliness was evident..  He was my buddy, my friend… he never tired of my endless questions or my rambling on about anything and everything. I helped him cut and bail hay, helped him feed his livestock and round up cattle.. he’s gone now too. He lived to be 95. I found his daughter on FB and we chat. It’s nice. She looks just like him. 

School was a nightmare. Fifth grade was the worst. I had a teacher who, for whatever reason, singled me out and often ridiculed me in class. She would make jokes about my cheap shoes, or about my then ever-present cowlick. If I raised my hand for anything at all, she ignored me. She’d look me in the eye and move on.  She moved me to the front of the class one day because the boy next to me had taken my notebook and would not give it back to me, so I got up and took it from him, forcefully. She would stand directly in front of my desk while she taught. She spit a lot when speaking. It was unpleasant. One day, I accidentally kicked her while swinging my legs back and forth. My feet didn’t reach the floor and would sometimes fall asleep, so I’d swing them. She made a HUGE scene. You’d have thought I stabbed her! Off to the office I was sent.

I’d throw up every morning while waiting for the bus. She had me so riddled with anxiety. It was awful.  

I didn’t make many friends there. I had Scott. And my bestie there was Tina. I spent a lot of time with her and her brother George. In the summer, Scott’s cousin Dean was always around. He was cool until that summer prior to 6th grade. Dean followed me wherever I went. It was cute at first, til he wanted to kiss me all the time. At that point, boys were still icky to me. He tried to get me to have sex with him. I told him to go jump off a cliff. I was 11! He was 14 or 15. 😳

I started 6th grade and all was well. No anxiety! I don’t think we were more than a month in when I got a note from the office lady telling me to say goodbye to my friends. That was to be my last day at that school. 

We were moving back to Massachusetts. …..
To be continued…