One year

It was a year ago today that we had to have our sweet Cinder cat put to sleep. We miss her, a lot. She was so sweet, and quite a character.

Snafu got so depressed after we lost Cinder. And M had never had a kitten, so off to the shelter we went.

We knew we wanted a black cat, but I told M to just wait and see which kitten chooses us. Luckily, the black kitten was the one.

Nova and Snafu keep us on our toes, especially Nova. She’s a nutter. The noises this cat makes! We call her Burt, because she is constantly walking around trilling … and it sounds like ‘brrrrrt’ ☺️

She’s not a lap cat, which is a bummer. But she does like to sleep with me. She will stuff herself in between my pillow and T’s pillow.

She’s a total jerk, walking around the house with the express purpose of knocking stuff over and/or off shelves and such. We have squirt bottles in every room. 😬

She battles with Snafu.. they get pretty rough some times..

He’s just a big, sweet, lovable fluff muffin..

We would have a lot more if T and my mom wouldn’t freak out!

We love them to bits!

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Times change..

Yesterday evening my 11 year old says to me, “So, mommy? Is it okay for me to just call you Mom from now on?”

Inside, a large part of me died. Right then.

First, there was the acknowledgement of the Santa issue…

Now this?? 😳

I said that it was okay to just call me Mom, even though I was a volcano of emotion inside. Then, I asked why..

She said that at lunch, some times she just sits and listens to the conversation around her. And often times she hears kids getting picked on and ripped apart when they call Mom ‘mommy’ , being told that only babies use that term.

I told her that it’s completely okay to call me Mom.

And then I went and cried in a corner.

She’s growing up faster than I can handle. And the fact that any chance of ever giving her a sibling is long gone, has me in the pits of depression.

When I see drug-dependent women popping out kids left and right with no regard to their well-being, I wonder what it is that I did so wrong to make it so that here I am.. almost 45 and unable to have another?

It makes me hate life, hate myself.

But I keep plugging on. For him. For her. For my mom…

All the while feeling like an empty sack of crap. 😦

Why did I have to be the broken one? Had I been able to birth another, there’s no way in a million years I’d ever be unfit to be a mom.

😩

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I’ve come to the determination that I’m nuts. I mean, for real.

I know the kinds of food I NEED to eat. I know the kinds of food I NEED to avoid. And while I make an effort, it’s not enough. I will do well, and then hubby wants to stop somewhere bad to eat, and instead of saying no, my tires are squealing into the parking lot. Or I’m good til my mom says, “Ohhh let’s bake this!” 

I’m not blaming my hubby or my mom. It’s ME. I am weak. And I’m not sure how to MAKE.IT.STOP.

Y’all that have followed me over the years must tire of the same old fucking bullshit from me.  I know that I am tired of it.

Last month I attempted to do something different. I spent an entire day prepping and cooking a weeks worth of foods with the hopes that my family would actually eat it, and it would make things a bit easier on me. It wasn’t a total failure. Out of 24 containers, only 2 got tossed. 

I’m going to do it again, but only 3 or 4 days at a time, and will include lunches. For all 4 of us. 

I am currently undergoing physical therapy for my knees. No exercise til my therapist says so.  I’ve been doing some upper body stuff til I can hit it full force. I’m kind of excited because the place I go to offers personal training for weight lifting. I’m going to talk to them about it when I go to my next appointment. 

It’s $25 a month for a personalized situation. She has a doctorate in this stuff, so I am hopeful she can keep me going forward.

I will start another attempt at eating right in the next week.  I don’t eat horrible, but I need to lock it down. 

✌🏻

….

It’s a hard pill to swallow.. that realization that if you were to die tomorrow, the only people who would REALLY be upside down over it are your mom, your kid, and maybe your hubby for a spell. 

I’ve tried to be good and do good. I always come up short. In the big picture, I simply don’t matter. 

Day 83

Slacker. That’s me. Lol.

I’m craving roasted beets. There is clearly something wrong with me. Hah! I’ll be picking some up today while out running errands. Gonna have lunch out with the momma. I plan to have a big salad and then stop by a local cafe for a cappuccino. 

It’s rainy and chilly here. Lots of chirpy birds this morning. It’s time to bring out the patio furniture. Coffee on the porch, while wrapped in a blanket, would have been awesome this morning. 

I have a lot to do today. Then later, it’s game night with friends. 

Hoping tomorrow to take a trip down memory lane with the family. Gonna take a ride to PA, and hopefully see an old friend …  

I’m feeling very grateful this morning. I am not letting gray skies and rain dampen my mood. I’m too fortunate and too loved to be a sourpuss. 

👍🏻😊

Day 20

Almost through January and I’m still going strong. Woot!

I did have some junky food the other day, but other than that I’m doing good, eating healthy and exercising. 

It’s been cloudy and rainy and since the temps are in the 40s, 50s, and some times even the 60s, it’s MUDDY.  Ugh. I am totally ready for some snow. Let’s get this over with! There are 59 days til Spring!

I cannot wait for sunshine and bonfires and camping and spending lots of time in my hammock.  So.. let us get some snow so it actually feels like winter for a bit lol.. then we can move along to spring!

😁

Again.

Story of my life. I start, then give up. On everything. I’m really not sure what my malfunction is, but I’m so tired of it.

I started off the New Year with a wonderful cold. I feel like crap. I’ve slept most of the day. 

All I’ve consumed today is about 48 oz. of water and a chocolate Shakeology shake this morning. I’m about to try to eat some dinner.. chicken, brown rice and veggies. I’m so hungry, but my throat kills. This should be fun.

I weighed myself this morning. I need to take measurements and pics when my skin doesn’t hurt. 

I need to get this Christmas stuff out of here too. Ugh. Hoping after I get a shower and NyQuil myself into next week, I’ll get some more sleep and hopefully wake feeling a little better tomorrow….  fingers crossed!