The Longest Day

The Summer Solstice! I wait all year for this day! I had hoped today would be sunny and hot. Like summer should be. But, nope. πŸ˜”

I’m sitting here listening to the birds. They sure have a lot to say. When a car comes by, they hush for a second or two, and then resume. I’m thankful for them and their chirpiness. 😌 There is a slight breeze right now that is all kinds of wonderful.

I’m really trying to focus on having a few moments to practice gratitude. This is an awfully depressing week for me, and I’m struggling..

However, I have much to be thankful for! Some times, I let the crap of life sink in too deep.

I really just want to be at/in the river. It’s my happy place. I would really like to just mosey on down whether the sun comes out or not. Although, I do have a mountain of laundry I should get moving on, in case my people should want to be clothed… πŸ€—

So, I guess that’ll be my focus today. Clean clothes for all! I can sneak in some hammock time in between loads!

I am also planning a very healthy dinner of zucchini noodles with basil pesto, and a big salad, with some freshly made iced tea, and a home made, not-so-healthy yellow cake with the most amazing home made chocolate frosting!

It’s amazing how my attitude has turned around just since the start of this post.

A grateful heart is a wonderful thing.

May you have a grateful heart πŸ’œ and a wonderful day!

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Mark

Thirteen years ago, on my birthday, you called to wish me a Happy Birthday, and you promised me a steak dinner when you made the move to Tampa in a few weeks.

We were so excited for the move! We looked forward to doing so much with you! Camping and canoeing and lazy days in the pool, football games and Super Bowl parties, bonfires, golfing (where I’d get to drive the cart, because me? Golf? No. Lol) .. Bowling, holidays, days at the beach, fishing, cook outs.. the list goes on and on.

Here we are on the 13th anniversary of your death, and the sadness has been a bit overwhelming today…

We’ve missed out on SO much with you. Maya has missed out and you’ve missed out on being an Uncle. Life is so not fair. You were SO full of life, exuberant and positive about the future following your divorce.

I think of you daily. I miss you so very much.

And now your mom has joined you. I can’t talk about that just yet. Too raw. But I do hope you two have mended fences and are together.

I love you my friend, and I miss you…. hope they have cows in heaven cause I want that steak dinner! ❀️

(Mark was my husband’s brother and was my dear, dear friend. My soulmate in friend-form, if that makes sense.. )

Betty Crocker

It’s been rainy today. Things with T are rocky yet again. I’ve been pretty down, but trying to stay positive.

For dinner tonight, I really needed something different. This hit the nail on the head!

I get emails from Betty Crocker containing recipes a few times a week. This one was a winner!

I took 6 chicken breasts and seasoned them with salt, pepper, and thyme. I got my cast iron pan good and hot, and added the chicken. I cooked it til brown on each side. I removed the chicken and set it aside. To the pan I added 3/4 c of chicken stock and whisked all the chicken bits in the pan loose. I put the chicken back and let it cook for about 20 minutes.

I then removed the chicken again, and poured the stock out into a large measuring cup. I added some oil to the pan and sautΓ©ed some onion and mushrooms, and finally some garlic.

I added the stock back in, added to that 4 oz. of cream cheese and about 1/4 tsp of red pepper flakes. As that cooked down, I heated up some green beans, and added that to the pan. I gave it a good toss, sliced the chicken and added that back in.

It was ridiculously flavorful and delicious, and everyone loved it! I’m adding it to my list, as it was easy and filling and not too horribly unhealthy!

πŸ‘πŸ»

Mexican

Mexican food is my favorite. I’d love to meet an old Mexican grandma who would teach me to cook authentic Mexican food. Because we all know that anyone (well, almost anyone) can cook, but put some heart and soul into it and it’ll blow minds!

I wanted spice tonight. So I opened a can of shredded chicken, mixed it with cream cheese, sharp cheddar, diced green chilies, some home made taco seasoning, and stuffed some corn tortillas with it.

I love my home made taco seasoning!

I made some brown rice and added some corn, black beans, and diced tomatoes, along with some of the home made taco seasoning.. I put the corn tortillas on top of the rice and covered it with enchilada sauce and cheese and baked it.

It was amazing!

I didn’t get any pictures of it plated because it was gone before I got a chance! πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘ŒπŸ»

One year

It was a year ago today that we had to have our sweet Cinder cat put to sleep. We miss her, a lot. She was so sweet, and quite a character.

Snafu got so depressed after we lost Cinder. And M had never had a kitten, so off to the shelter we went.

We knew we wanted a black cat, but I told M to just wait and see which kitten chooses us. Luckily, the black kitten was the one.

Nova and Snafu keep us on our toes, especially Nova. She’s a nutter. The noises this cat makes! We call her Burt, because she is constantly walking around trilling … and it sounds like ‘brrrrrt’ ☺️

She’s not a lap cat, which is a bummer. But she does like to sleep with me. She will stuff herself in between my pillow and T’s pillow.

She’s a total jerk, walking around the house with the express purpose of knocking stuff over and/or off shelves and such. We have squirt bottles in every room. 😬

She battles with Snafu.. they get pretty rough some times..

He’s just a big, sweet, lovable fluff muffin..

We would have a lot more if T and my mom wouldn’t freak out!

We love them to bits!

Here I go, again

I miss blogging. Everyone Facebooks now.

I have had enough of FB for awhile, so here I am. I never last long here. I always go back to FB. However, with all the talk going on in regard to illegal aliens and whatnot, I just can’t. I am floored at how …yah know what? I am not going there. Not here. I came here to get away from that.

So. It is finally hot here. I need a day at the river, but it is muddy. As soon as it clears, you know where I will be!

I sat out on the porch with mom this morning. We had coffee and banana strawberry bread and talked.. it was nice. I love my porch. I am sad that no one comes to sit and share it with us. My Nanny’s porch was always busy with people. I wish I had friends and family that valued time with me as much as folks valued time with my Nan. I would love to sit on the porch and coffee or tea with people I love.

It got me thinking about how family and friends always say they will come visit. They never do. They say they don’t have the time or the money. Yet, they travel to see other people and places.

I am never enough.

When my sisters popped in here last year, I was absolutely overjoyed. Only to find out they talk shit behind my back. Kind of crushed me. Again, never good enough.

Well, enough of that. I was having a pity party and needed to get that off my chest.

Next post will be better.

Times change..

Yesterday evening my 11 year old says to me, “So, mommy? Is it okay for me to just call you Mom from now on?”

Inside, a large part of me died. Right then.

First, there was the acknowledgement of the Santa issue…

Now this?? 😳

I said that it was okay to just call me Mom, even though I was a volcano of emotion inside. Then, I asked why..

She said that at lunch, some times she just sits and listens to the conversation around her. And often times she hears kids getting picked on and ripped apart when they call Mom ‘mommy’ , being told that only babies use that term.

I told her that it’s completely okay to call me Mom.

And then I went and cried in a corner.

She’s growing up faster than I can handle. And the fact that any chance of ever giving her a sibling is long gone, has me in the pits of depression.

When I see drug-dependent women popping out kids left and right with no regard to their well-being, I wonder what it is that I did so wrong to make it so that here I am.. almost 45 and unable to have another?

It makes me hate life, hate myself.

But I keep plugging on. For him. For her. For my mom…

All the while feeling like an empty sack of crap. 😦

Why did I have to be the broken one? Had I been able to birth another, there’s no way in a million years I’d ever be unfit to be a mom.

😩